Getting Here: Yes, you are absolutely allowed to take a photo of the skyline through your airplane window as you descend into New York. But, to do it like a local, make sure to post it on Instagram with the caption “Back in Hell.”
Where to Stay: There are some incredible deals in Greenpoint. For example, I live in a room with a couple of holes in the floor and a bunch of cracks in the ceiling—but it’s only fourteen hundred dollars a month! And the uniqueness of getting killed when a chunk of your ceiling falls on your head while you’re sleeping is a steal at any price.
Learning the Language: Some phrases you may find helpful include “Hello,” “Where is the bathroom?,” “Can you fucking believe de Blasio?,” “Can you fucking believe Adams?,” and “Giuliani!!! Can you fucking BELIEVE HIM?!”
Getting Around: When I first moved to New York City, I assumed that the subway was horrible and no one rode it. Now I know that the subway is horrible and everyone rides it. For the real N.Y.C. experience, make sure to take the L train at rush hour and complain about it the whole ride. (Note: If you happen to hear anyone suggesting that another city’s subway system is better, angrily reply, “O.K., sure, but does it run 24/7? New York has the best subway system in the world!”)
When in Doubt, Use Google Maps: Don’t worry—looking at Google Maps does not make you seem like a tourist. Even when I know where I’m going, I refresh Google Maps constantly. This is because I am incredibly high-strung; what could possibly be more New York than that?
Fine Dining: Option One: order on Seamless. Option Two: go get the same bagel every morning until the person who sells it to you knows all the details of your love life well enough to have his own theory about who gave you H.P.V. Option Three: eat at the Applebee’s in Times Square. (Note: Option Three only works if at least one of the people in your dinner party “does comedy.”)
Tipping: If you don’t tip at least twenty per cent, you will be the first to die when Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez finally starts the class war.
Money: Though technically U.S. currency is accepted, the New York City economy runs on everyone Venmoing around the same hundred and fifty dollars.
Find Friendly Locals: Yes, I’m a bitch. No, I don’t like talking to strangers. But I’ve lived in New York City for almost eight years, and the only time I feel like a real New Yorker is when I’m giving middle-aged European tourists directions to something that is literally one block away. So, please, come find me.